FishnHunt,

ten que

GOTTA LOVE THAT AMERICAN G.I. HUMOR

DanO that was a GOOD one !!

Come on guys...Lets clean this up a bit...there are ladies on the site too....mmmmmm that reminds me of a Blonde joke!

oldie but a Goodie........

A Dumb Blonde calls up her boyfriend, sobing and crying..."What's wrong?" he asked..You know how my Mom is allways doing these jig saw Puzzles, well, I thought I'd surprise her this morning and do this new one she just bought & left on the kitchen table but it's driving me crazy, There are a Million pieces and they all look alike to me. "Well, Honey, what does the picture on the Box Look Like? he asked...A Big Rooster! She shouts....After a long pause, the boyfriend finally says..."Honey, that's a Box of Corn Flakes!!!!!"

Little Johnny asked, "How old are you mommy?".

     Mommy replied, "Women don't like to answer that question, Johnny."

Little Johnny asked, "How much do you weigh mommy?".

     Mommy answered, "Polite young men don't ask that question, son."

Little Johnny asked, "Why did daddy leave us mommy."

     Mommy sent him to his room as she started to cry.

On the way to his room, Johnny kicked his mothers purse, her wallet fell out and he found her driver's license.   He went running back and said,

     "You're 36 years old,  You weigh 145 Lbs and daddy left because you got an 'F' in sex.  (F for Female)

Two blonds were walking in the edge of town.  One says, "Look, I've found some tracks."  The other said, "Hey those are deer tracks.".   The first one said, "No, those are dog tracks."  

     The next morning the paper's headlines read. 

Two blonds hit by train.

Three ladies were out drinking all night.  A week later they all met up for lunch.

     The Redhead says, "I had the worst hangover, got into a fight with my boyfriend and we broke up."

     The Brunette says, "Well I got a DUI, and it's gonna cost me a small fortune."

     The Blond said, "That's nothing, I blew chunks."

     The other two looked at each other, with a look of  'big deal'.  The Redhead says, "So what, you got sick,  we messed up our lives."

     The blond starts crying and said, "Chunks is my dog."

A man and his wife were out at their favorite restaurant.  The man gets up to go and use the restroom.  He is the stereotypical nerdy type. As he is at the urinal,  a giant of a man comes and stands at the one next to him.  The nerd looks skyward and with a scared, shaking voice asks, "excuse me, but how tall are you"?,  The guy answers in a deep Barry White voice, "I'm 6'8, weigh 285 and I'm Turner Brown".  The little guy passes out, still holding himself.   

    A few minutes go by and he comes to.  He gets up and as he is zipping himself up, he asks, "what did you say before"?    Again in a deep voice, I',m 6'8, weigh 285 Lbs and my name is Turner Brown".   The little guy wipes his brow and with a sigh of relief says, "Whew, I thought you said 'turn around'.

TWO HUNTERS ARE OUT IN THE WOODS, WHEN ONE OF THEM COLLAPSES. HE NOT BREATHIING AND HIS EYES ARE GLAZED . THE OTHER GUY WIPS OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND CALLS 911.

I THINK MY FREIND IS DEAD. HE YELLS.  WHAT CAN I DO??

THE OPERATOR SAYS, CALM DOWN.FRIST , LET 'S  MAKE SURE HE'S DEAD..

THERES A SILENCE , THEN A SHOT. BACK ON THE PHONE,THE GUY SAYS, OKAY, NOW WHAT???

THATS BAD//////  YOUR GOING TO GET A LOT OF HATE MAIL...

 TRUE .. BUT FUNNY AS  # ELL MAYBE TO MUCH CAFFINE.

Oldie but a goodie

Q: How do you spot a redneck at seaworld?

A: He's the guy with the fishing pole!

if you want to see the video of the one where the guy call 911 then shoots his friend            just go to youtube and look up redneck 911 call it the one where the guy is wearing  a camo shirt

A MAN , SHOCKED BY HOW HIS BUDDY IS DRESSED, ASKS HIM HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA?

THE FRIEND REPLIES. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

If you hear a loud rumbling in the sky tonight don't be alarmed, it isn't a severe thunderstorm.

It's just Elvis beating the Sh*t out of Micheal Jackson for marrying his daughter.

That's just wrong!

3 Wishes

One day an old Farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and a biker are walking along the road.  They come upon an old tarnished looking oil lamp laying in the ditch beside the road.  They pick up the lamp and start rubbing the tarnish off when "POOF" out pops a Genie.  The Genie says for releasing me from my prison in the lamp I shall grant you 3 wishes.  The farmer says wait a minute, we all found the lamp so which one of us gets the wishes.  The Genie says well to be fair each of you will get one wish, and you can draw lots to see who goes first.  They draw lots and the farmer gets the first wish.  The farmer thinks for a while then says, "Well I've been a farmer my whole life and my son is a farmer and my grandson will be a farmer too, so my wish is that our family farm be the most fertile ground in the country, and that it always produce a bumper crop every year.  The Genie snaps his fingers, and "POOF" all the farmers land becomes extremely fertile and his crops instantly become the most beautiful of any crops anywhere.  Osama drew the second wish, so he says, "Genie I want you to create a wall around Afganistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Iran, and the Gaza Strip so that no infidel Americans will ever be able to get in and bother the faithful muslim people.  The Genie snaps his fingers and "POOF" there is a wall around those countries.  The biker who has been sitting patiently waiting his turn asks the Genie, "Tell me about this wall you just built"   The Genie says well it's 5000 ft high, and 500 ft thick and made of solid concrete reinforced by steel.  It is inpenatratable nothing can get in or out."  The biker smiles for a second, then says, "Fill it with water."

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program. 

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. 
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" 

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either." 

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?" 

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" 

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" 

"No, I don't," I said..

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." 

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun

in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:  

 "Want coffee."

  The waiter says,  "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere

and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling

another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to

the waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,

leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day.

This is for the "old dogs" 

Just remember with age comes wisdom.

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks,'Uh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.'Whew!' says the panther,'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old Ger man Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks,'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther

For all you GENIUSES  out there :  A Brilliant Scientist decides to conduct a experiment to see how far a Frog will Jump when  he makes  a LOUD Noise... Puts the frog on the table, Blows a Loud Horn..Measures the Jump & writes in Jounal: Frog with 4 Legs Jumped 6 Ft...Cuts off a leg and Blows the Loud  Horn Again ...Writes: Frog with 3 legs jumped 4 Ft.,,,...Cuts off another leg...,Blows the Loud Horn again  & writes: frog with 2 legs jumps 2 ft...Cuts off another leg...Blows the Horn again & writes: Frog with 1 leg jumps 1 ft...finally he cuts the last remaining leg off.....Blows the Loud Horn and the Frog dosen't move! He is amazed at the results as he recrords in his Scientific Jounal...: Upon removal of the Fourth Leg, the Frog has Gone DEAF!!!!!!!

Since Frog jokes seem popular,

A lady is shopping for her husband a birthday gift.  Knowing his fondness for animals she goes to the pet shop to get him a new pet.  Upon ariving at the pet shop she is stunned to see the prices of the pets, $1500 for a puppy, $900 for a kitten, $500 for a snake, and so on.  Not wanting to give up on her idea of getting him a pet, the lady asks one of the clerks if they have any pets cheaper.  The clerk says I have a frog in the back the I can let you have for $50.  The lady says $50 for a frog, that sounds expensive.  The clerk says but this is a special frog.  This frog can give BJ's.  The woman knowing how much her husband loved BJ's and knowing how she hated giving them decided the frog would be the perfect gift.  She took the frog home and gave it to her husband who was very skeptical when she told him about the frogs special talent, but he said he would try it out later that night.  The wife went to bed content knowing that she wouldn't have to perform any more BJ's since her husband had this frog.  A couple hours later she was awakened by the sound of pots and pans clattering in the kitchen.  She went into the kitchen to see what the comotion was, and found her husband and the frog looking at cookbooks, and putting things onto the stove and into the oven.  She asked her husband what's going on here?  He said well' " If I can teach this frog to cook,    You're outa here.

I know I already posted one today, but this one is too good not to share.

Dedicated to everyone with an August birthday.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday !'
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said,'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said,'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said,'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

I learned the German word for Brasier today :

STOPEMFROMFLOPPIN

LOL!

In the words of one of my old high school teachers," Old Fart, you are rude, crude, and socially unacceptable."

But d*#n that's funny LOL

A lady is cruisin' down the interstate at about 15 mph over the speed limit, as she drives past a bridge she notices a state trooper hiding behind the bridge with a radar gun.

Sure enough, the trooper chases her down and pulls her over.  The trooper walks up to her car and asks as only a trooper can ask, "what's your hurry?" the lady replies she is late for work.  The trooper asks "what job do have that is so important, you risk your life to get to it?"  The lady replies, "I am a rectum strecther!"  The trooper, somewhat surprised, asks "how do you do that?"  She says, I start with one finger and work up to two the three until I have my whole hand in there.  Then I work it around until I can get both hands in there.  I keep pulling and tugging until I get it up to about 6 feet.  Shocked the trooper says "What do yuo do with a six foot asshole?"  She says you give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge!

Speeding ticket $75.00, Court cost $95.00, Calling a state trooper an asshole to his face....PRICELESS

Now I know why my sister was so pissed off when she came back from Walmart.

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.

After waiting in the office, the Doctor finally came in and asked, "Well, what are you here for today"?

The father answered, "To get her on birth control".

"Well is she sexually active now"? asked the Doctor.

He responds, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother".

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says,  "Well next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."  and proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The kid takes the ticket and starts to ride off.  He stops and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there.  Did Santa give her to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah he sure did."

The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

MORAL LESSON

One day the brain and the heart were having an argument over who should be in control of the body. The heart said "I should be in charge because I work the hardest, I never sleep, and I never take a break." The brain said "No, I should be in charge because I'm the smartest." Just then the sphincter chimed in and said " I should be in charge, because my job is most important."

The brain and heart just laughed at the sphincter, which angered him. So he stopped working, not letting any poop leave the body. Finally, after days of whallowing around in excrement, the brain and heart both agreed to let the sphincter be in charge of the body.

Lesson: No matter how smart you are or how hard you work, the asshole is always going to be in charge!

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking,'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered



'THE TEETH

 THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY....

 A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her
 Grandpa.
 When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and
 bursts
 into her Grandpa's room ...

 "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes
 into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 "What?" said her Grandpa.

 "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
 croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese cleaners.  So she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of dirty clothes:  "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back and was still not satisfied with the results.  So the following week she enclosed another note:  "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!!!"

     The Chinese cleaner man became very annoyed.  Before her cleaned laundry was delivered he put his own note in return:

"I use plenty soap on panties!...You need use more paper on xxx!!!"

did not work

Three mischievous old grandmothers were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.   One of the old women yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."   The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."   One of the old ladies said, "Sure we can!   Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age."   Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.   The grannies asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down a little bit.   Then they all piped up and said, "You're eighty-seven years old!"   Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"   Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison, "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

"GREAT-JOKES-YALL"*... an actual report;

"POND SCUM"

  An angler in Croatia, Slobadan Paparella, told Ananova.com last

week that he plans to sell his pet Irish-Setter, Lipi, (*Not U Lip...

because the dog makes him look bad in front of his buddies by jumping

in the water and catching more fish than he does. According to Paparella

the pooch is able to leap in and grab the fish in her jaws, including a

recent catch of a 15-pounder that had escaped from his line. "The other

fishermen were all laughing at me," the man told the web-site. "I have

no choice but to sell the dog because it keeps humiliating me." Guess

Redsnapper is off the menu...

"Take Care", L8r. James,"VATO LOCO"<;({})><    

USAF Reg. Vet. SAC; 321st Cmbt. Spprt. Grp. Tx. Bushwacker Deputy Sheriff; Anglers' Legacy Ambassador; B.A.S.S. "Cyborg Fingers King" San Antonio,Tx.

here is hopeing the bump to the to will help

BOY I WISH I HAD A GOOD JOKE !!!!

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.  Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny.  
 
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he had decided to be different.  Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.' The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?" Johnny said, "because I'm a Republican."  The teacher asked, "Why are you a Republican?"  "Well, my mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican!!"

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept
records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached
them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to
investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for
cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician
in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

The bells are not always audible.

come on some one must have a good joke

hope the "bump" helps !!!!!

A guy walks into the welfare office to get his check, walks up to the counter and tells the lady "I hate this, I hate being on welfare and getting foodsatmps, I would rather have a job" 

The lady behind the counter says "Your in luck, we have an opening that was just posted"  A wealthy, elderly gentleman is looking for a driver/escort for his lovely daughter.  You would be required to drive her around in his BMW, all of your clothes would be provided, and due to the long hours all of your meals would be paid for.  You would have a two bedroom apartment, all expenses paid.  You would be required to accompany the daughter on her frequent vacations overseas and would be expected to satisfy her sexual needs as well.  The position pays $ 200,000 a year!

Wide eyed, the man says "you're bull****ng me!

The lady at the counter calmy replies "YOU STARTED IT"