Life Member, Retired WV State Police, Retired SFC US Army. Poca, West Virginia

Since Frog jokes seem popular,

A lady is shopping for her husband a birthday gift.  Knowing his fondness for animals she goes to the pet shop to get him a new pet.  Upon ariving at the pet shop she is stunned to see the prices of the pets, $1500 for a puppy, $900 for a kitten, $500 for a snake, and so on.  Not wanting to give up on her idea of getting him a pet, the lady asks one of the clerks if they have any pets cheaper.  The clerk says I have a frog in the back the I can let you have for $50.  The lady says $50 for a frog, that sounds expensive.  The clerk says but this is a special frog.  This frog can give BJ's.  The woman knowing how much her husband loved BJ's and knowing how she hated giving them decided the frog would be the perfect gift.  She took the frog home and gave it to her husband who was very skeptical when she told him about the frogs special talent, but he said he would try it out later that night.  The wife went to bed content knowing that she wouldn't have to perform any more BJ's since her husband had this frog.  A couple hours later she was awakened by the sound of pots and pans clattering in the kitchen.  She went into the kitchen to see what the comotion was, and found her husband and the frog looking at cookbooks, and putting things onto the stove and into the oven.  She asked her husband what's going on here?  He said well' " If I can teach this frog to cook,    You're outa here.

I know I already posted one today, but this one is too good not to share.

 

Relaxation technique.

  Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Both your hands are dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.
Gary
Life Member, Retired WV State Police, Retired SFC US Army. Poca, West Virginia

A Blonde Female State Trooper Pulls over a Blonde woman for speeding and asks her to see her Drivers Licence....After rumaging in her bag for 5 minutes the Blonde woman turns to the Blonde trooper and says.."I can't find it...what does it look like?" the Blonde trooper calmly replies," it's small, rectangular shape and has a picture of you on it"....the Blonde woman pulls a small compact Mirror from her bag, looks in it and exclaims.."I've Found it! "and hands it to the Blonde Trooper...the Trooper takes the Mirror from her looks in it and says to the blonde woman...." You Dummy...Why didn't you tell me you were a Trooper ?"

The Cremated Husband



Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.



Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"


She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"


Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said,
"Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the
insurance money!


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Herman, remember that blow j__ I promised you? Here it comes.

Dedicated to everyone with an August birthday.

 

 

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday !'
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said,'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said,'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said,'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

Rodeo: grab her pigtails put it in ask her what her name is and see if you can stay on for 8 seconds.
Old-fart Catfisher

I learned the German word for Brasier today :

 

STOPEMFROMFLOPPIN

Computer trouble!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control at NASA, and asked him to
come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him,'So, what was wrong?

He replied,'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned.'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said,'and I think you'll figure it
out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little turd........

Women with big boobs work at Hooters, does that mean that woman with one leg work at  IHOP.
Old-fart Catfisher

LOL!

 

Jim USArmy 1986-Present Life Member NAFC "Life is sexually transmitted"

In the words of one of my old high school teachers," Old Fart, you are rude, crude, and socially unacceptable."

 

But d*#n that's funny LOL

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.
Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied,'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this proud Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club..........takes a breath)......... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and....'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again,'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

A lady is cruisin' down the interstate at about 15 mph over the speed limit, as she drives past a bridge she notices a state trooper hiding behind the bridge with a radar gun.

Sure enough, the trooper chases her down and pulls her over.  The trooper walks up to her car and asks as only a trooper can ask, "what's your hurry?" the lady replies she is late for work.  The trooper asks "what job do have that is so important, you risk your life to get to it?"  The lady replies, "I am a rectum strecther!"  The trooper, somewhat surprised, asks "how do you do that?"  She says, I start with one finger and work up to two the three until I have my whole hand in there.  Then I work it around until I can get both hands in there.  I keep pulling and tugging until I get it up to about 6 feet.  Shocked the trooper says "What do yuo do with a six foot asshole?"  She says you give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge!

Speeding ticket $75.00, Court cost $95.00, Calling a state trooper an asshole to his face....PRICELESS

 

 

Dferguson (aka Laker) NAFC Lifer since 5/2004 Ohio Chapter memeber since 9/2008 FISH ON

LIFE MEMBER NOVEMBER 18-05

Oldie But a Goodie....A Old Timer  is showing his  farm to a Young Couple from the City who are looking to buy it....While walking across the pasture the young Woman Spots a Big Pile of Deer Dropping..."Wow, Look at this" She says to her Husband, kneeling down for a closer look...Puzzled as his wife, the Young man turns to the Old Timer and asks...'What are these?"...  The Old Timer, without hasitation replies..."Those are Chocolate Smart Pills!"  "Smart Pills!" they both reply, "Realy?" ...'If you don't believe me, just taste them." insist the farmer....grabbing a handful of the little nuggets, they both take a taste...."Wow, this taste like Crap! They both scream, spitting them out..."See That!" Explins the Old Timer.."You're getting Smart Allready!!!!"

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart
greeter, a good find for many , I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a
very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had
been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to
say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid,
Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day , and
thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for
this line of work.
Life Member, Retired WV State Police, Retired SFC US Army. Poca, West Virginia

Now I know why my sister was so pissed off when she came back from Walmart.

 

  

Dave D. Oklahoma member since 2003

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed, I turned to her and said,'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she

answered.. I then said,'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look

at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said,'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'