Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,'Frankie Brown showed me his willy today on the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied,'No... Salty.'

FIRST TIME SEX
..........
A girl asks her
boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex.. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend,'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns & whispers back,'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.  I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. 
Life Member, Retired WV State Police, Retired SFC US Army. Poca, West Virginia

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.

After waiting in the office, the Doctor finally came in and asked, "Well, what are you here for today"?

The father answered, "To get her on birth control".

"Well is she sexually active now"? asked the Doctor.

He responds, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother".

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

 

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

The kid says, "Yeah."

 

The cop says,  "Well next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."  and proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 ticket for a safety violation.

 

The kid takes the ticket and starts to ride off.  He stops and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there.  Did Santa give her to you?"

 

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah he sure did."

 

The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 m.p.h., enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought
as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights
flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled
over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday and I really don't feel like writing out another ticket today. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Well 25 years ago, my wife ran off with a
state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper, as he walked away and got back in his car.

*Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction..

We've all heard about people having guts or balls,

but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate

further confusion, the following definitions are provided:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,

being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,

slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:

'You're next, Chubby.

Medically speaking,

there is no difference in the outcome;

both result in sudden death.

MORAL LESSON

 

One day the brain and the heart were having an argument over who should be in control of the body. The heart said "I should be in charge because I work the hardest, I never sleep, and I never take a break." The brain said "No, I should be in charge because I'm the smartest." Just then the sphincter chimed in and said " I should be in charge, because my job is most important."

 

The brain and heart just laughed at the sphincter, which angered him. So he stopped working, not letting any poop leave the body. Finally, after days of whallowing around in excrement, the brain and heart both agreed to let the sphincter be in charge of the body.

 

Lesson: No matter how smart you are or how hard you work, the asshole is always going to be in charge!

Life Member, Retired WV State Police, Retired SFC US Army. Poca, West Virginia

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking,'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered



'THE TEETH

Fred and Larry got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies,'No'.

Johnny asks,'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies,'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

__________

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies,'No.'

Johnny says,'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies,'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

__________

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says,'No.'

He asks,'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies,'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says:'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I accidently gave him my airplane glue’

http://www.complaintsboard.com/comp...55318.html
Reverend for the NAFC... Lifetime Club Member Since (10/22/2007) --- NAHC Member --- May you always have a tight line, full stringer, and the Lord to thank. Jim. N.M.

                       Went cat fishing with mth my freind John and his wife Ethel the other night.After catching a number of cats we were running out of bait.About 2am I told John hay were out of bait,is there anything in the galley we can use?
He thought for awhile, Then told me, hay, put these rubber gloves on.I replied what for John? John  replied I think I know what will make great bait.Then he yelled at his wife Ethel, honey bring me 2 peices of bread.Ethel arrived with the bread.John said to Ethel;do me a favor and wipe yourself with the bread and give it to me.I thought what the hell.She brought it back an ooh it really smelled bad.John said thats why I gave you the rubber gloves.If I want touch it why should you.
Old-fart Catfisher

 THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY....

 A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her
 Grandpa.
 When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and
 bursts
 into her Grandpa's room ...

 "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes
 into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 "What?" said her Grandpa.

 "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
 croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Lifetime Club Member Since (10/20/2001)

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.  Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.   After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.  The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave.  He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a  beer.
His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
Dave replied. Last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing.  Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said,  Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......

SO I  DID AND HERE I AM!

Life Member, Retired WV State Police, Retired SFC US Army. Poca, West Virginia

Life Member, Retired WV State Police, Retired SFC US Army. Poca, West Virginia

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,(Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said,'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied.'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'